I arrived at a point a few years ago when I could no longer study Magick from a book. In fact, I went very quickly from a decade long period of absorbing information like a sponge, to being unable to even look at books for the most part. Even books I want to read, its like pulling teeth.
Eventually, and from what I understand this is a normal occurrence, you get to the point where there really isn't any difference between any concepts whatsoever. They become clothes, attitudes, artistic points of view.
This makes things terribly difficult when having any type of conversation oriented towards philosophy, spirituality, magickal systems and the occult, and most especially the current social, political, and ecological climate. After spending so much time understanding what is beyond the veils of body, mind, ego, and even certain conceptions of soul itself ... you constantly get pigeonholed into some category that the world and its culture is comfortable with. To continue to participate in society, it then becomes essential to perform within these roles.
To me, in my personal experience of this life, this is a monumental and necessary effort. Living in the comfort of high realization is distasteful to me, and as I am coming out of this process, I am starting to realize just how difficult it can be to give up the truth to manifest the truth in terms that people can understand. This requires patience on a scale I am hard pressed to cultivate.
The hardest thing for me, is that transparency to gnosis means allowing the ego-self to be such as it is. The hard truth of growth is that the things we do not like about ourselves, try to cover up or "fix", are in actuality the vistas of energy which can be liberated to contain deepening levels of gnosis. This requires a radical amount of courage, a radical amount of passion.
Something else I have discovered, is that amongst realizers in any system, there is a longing. Both beautiful and terrible. This deep, even transcendent longing, pours out from a heart that wants nothing more than to increase the light and divinity expressed by humanity. And this can be cultivated through contacts out in the universe, or deep personal resources ... and in the end they are no different.
There is only process. There is only what is happening. And even as I write such things, I can't believe I am saying what everyone has always said about it. The hardest thing is that the words can not do justice to the actual reality of reality. Even this post is little more than illusion, with some grain of the truth alive and thriving behind the rhetoric.
The conclusion then, is style. Performance is doing what you should; practice. And no matter what, there isn't anyone that can provide answers to personal style. Personal style must be developed to express a universality that is extant in all things and no thing. You can't even describe to yourself what this means let alone describe it to someone else or try to show them their own depth.
There can only be pointing out. And even though we may be completely different in the illusions we weave in our expression of deep gnosis, deep divinity; what is always true is that those who know can recognize one another. This is the most inexplicable thing. The consequence of this is that you seek out (or attract) people who are realized, but completely disagree with the way you describe things. Its an amazing thing, because its not personal. It can't be taken personally because the recognition behind the illusion is there, and the fact that individual rhetoric and the mental constructs we use to support the manifestation of our realizations completely conflict with one another, is beautiful.
Even this post amounts to little more than self-serving masturbation ... its only redeeming quality being that perhaps the sharing of such 'feelings' and 'thoughts' could somehow bring clarity to someone somewhere.
And that my friends is the true wonder working.
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