Fractalled into my Brain

it hits me a little hard, the things that i fall into. i often wonder about the uniqueness of my experience here on earth. i like to feel special. no matter how much spiritual practice and progress I attain to; how clearly i can enjoy the Divine Protection of Formlessness ... still, right here, right now. This manifestation, this unique moment is infinite.

i dont want to mechanically change anymore, or give up on my humanity. or humanity at large. i forgive humanity, which is essential, because i forgive myself. i am flawed directly to my core; cut from the heel as a certain magickal school would have it. but its ok, because i know the big secret. the other humans are like me to. i just pretend less.

some people complain about how everything is so wrong with our world. some people run away from the world in some level or another. as unique as i feel, i do not desire a unique place in the world. i desire to participate in the currently unfolding universal. i dont want to travel the aethyr, or traverse outer space with my consciousness. i want to taste life in this body while i possess it, so that the quality of its aeternity is unsurpassed.

and what of love? my favorite topic.

perhaps im in some position underneath this solar/lunar moment, to discuss the love and war that is the dynamo of my uniqueness?

they tell you alternatively how to feel about your sex. whether you should liberate, deviate, repress or express. they tell you everything. ive never identified.

and love, that it is fleeting. rooted in attachments. something if not chemical (sexual), then the domain of poets and philosophers, sappy sentimentalists and the rest. 'sure its ok', they like to say. but make sure to recognize that it is a dualistic love/hate. be sure to recognize who you are really, and don't confuse one for the other. don't stay married. the flame will fizzle. when i say i love you i say i love all beings. when i say i love you i mean unconditionally.

well i say it is a veritable performative contradiction to throw it around as unconditional, when in the very saying do we sin against the true unconditional and loving nature in the backdrop of our reality.

i am sourced in unconditional love, it is true, but to think its something i have to do, something that i have to say in some equanimical way. something i have to demonstrate by not choosing who i think is worthy of my love.

i think there are a lot of souls suffering to love, and so they go fetal inside the bliss of the universe. i can not accept this, and i do not. im a man, not a pussy.

Unique Love is not True Love unless it is Permanent. does not fizzle into the backdrop of unconditional love/bliss, does not get reduced to the tantra's in sex, and emotion, and ego and the like. does not stop itself from causing great suffering or great spasms of divinity manifested. perhaps there has never been the chance of Aeternal and Unique, Personal and Permanent Love. if that is so, then i truly am unique. i am ready to cause a revolution in all that i can attempt to touch.  but i know that it is not so.  and i am spared such a curse as being consequential (perhaps.)

but i dont care for my results. i dont want for one certain thing, or some other thing. i just want to love. not love/hate, but love and war. not love and death. love and war. to Demand its Permanence as a testament to the AEternity of this body, and this life. i do not want for smaller loves, or freer loves. i want to be bound by choice and perforce of my nature to Love Totally, Permanently and without reservation the Chosen.

i understand duality, and my True Love is not so. i understand attachments and death, and cutting out the roots, and my True Love is not so. i understand sex and personality and timing and groove and biology, and my True Love is not so. i understand infinity, eternity, emptiness, and mass-less mass, and my True Love is not those things.

my True Love is True War. Shin Ken Sho Bu - to fight with real swords, or at least to the last blood. i have an excuse. im wired this way. a solar/martian/venusian conjunction in the ariesian fields of space. was it foretold 77 years before my birth ... was it?

i have enlightened my free will, and hence i have a destiny. i know them that are with me by things that drive but cant be described. and none of us shall die. but be lifted into the paradise that has been prepared. these things are real. these things are eternal. they are unique, and in a world of free will appear no different than your standard illusions. but this is no trick. beyond the silence of the immovable mountain, beyond the gnosis of the triple way; still farther, deeper, wider, larger; beyond that which is real; is destiny.

I have no reserve with myself because I already know that I'll meet you there. in the original star spate. wherefore these memories come, fractalled into my brain; telling me what is true, and what is Forever.

Watching the Box as the Changeless

Oh facebook. A ripe field of research? A waste of little moments, thoughts, and energies? A first glimpse of a connected oneness that is to be?

Sometimes I really want to hang up the experiment. After all, there is not much of a group of peers to compare notes with. Most magicians follow the stage illusionist's rule of "a good magician never reveals his secrets". This field is however about blaspheming in the face of the sphinx. To dare to share.

In the traditional way, the Magickal Record is a deeply personal simul-tracking of all that the Magician does and is. And this is very important for one reason; it gives you a definitive glimpse into your own Narcissism.

So, an electronic magickal record, an open book. All the nastiness and the beauty woven into the one rope of a human. Integration without shame happens by going through and not avoiding. And the internet is obviously something important in our evolution if we can but hold it together.

It is a science of how your friend's friend's friends effect and affect you. The prompt "what's on your mind?" in the status update bar beckons, tempts, and asks. And if we just become honest with our machines, perhaps they will be honest with us. It does not judge, but simply transmits. It is, in some sense, a perfect listener.

I support mechanization. I support the beautiful manifestation. I have hope that the Human/Machine complex will somehow rescue enough of the biosphere that we can still have feelings, and sex, and imperfections, and theater and all the beautiful biology that we depend on Mother for.

Just maybe, if we simultaneously embrace the bio-connection and the electro-integration, and self-annihilate them into a higher order of being on earth and among the stars; maybe I could live to breathe another planets air in this body, and not some 'other'. By utilizing with sincerity the electronic networks that objectify the ways in which we are bound; the good, the bad, and most importantly the currently ugly within us.

Just remember ... contracting onto the web allows the spider to recognize itself for what it is. If we all could but keep this in mind (mindfulness) while we observe and judge the information stream; we can indeed let go and have a good result. So that our 'real' lives are lived with more richness. So that the shallow, the vain, the tormented, the contracted, the embarrassed, the crude, the vile, and the human being can be left in the mechanized world. And we can go about our day as an eagle soaring above the electronic waters of putrefaction.

To knowingly Will to Dare to Share. Compressing the sphinx into the world of form is a Yoga when done with this sort of intent and awareness. It is the alchemical process of Turning Coal into Diamond, applying more pressure to the ego-knot in shorter spaces of time to generate heat (energy). A crucible where all the work can be processed, so once again, our lives may be lived free and without limit. It is fully inhabiting the manifestation as it is right now, and bringing that light into the darkness of a new world.

I think.

~~ Twenty Something Days ~~

settling now; calm, awake, energized
walking, running, moving, even in stillness
I move through this, all of this
changing each moment, letting go to gain

how can an eternity be hidden inside
each little chance I take at swallowing pride
twenty something days will drift so dreamily
and then we will all be together

to what ends, I have no idea
and in this does some vague terror lay
upon awakening in that moments arrival
to inherit joy and pleasure, fear no more

shifting ground beneath my feet
a horse devouring earth balanced in time
dancing, skipping, jumping, singing
because I am holding something important inside

and I maintain this veneer of a gentlemen's way
to respect that which my mother gave to me
and so really I am just waiting to look in your eyes
and eventually say very old words, and embrace warm hearts

it hasn't been yet twenty something days
since I followed an imperative I had buried in the deep
consecration comes in hidden places over time
and suddenly it was right in my face

falling fast, and falling hard
as my inexperience is wont to do
but, my feeling for you is increased
because you removed the ground underneath

and where I was thinking I would hit bottom
a formlessness was there as if a bed of cloud
an empty, vast, and luminous sky
birds fly